In Sickness and in Health
by VladMorgendorffer
Summary: Rose Hathaway gets some bad news. She decides not to tell a soul, because they come first. What will happen when her disease gets worse? Will she make it to graduation? Set in [or around] Shadow Kiss.
1. Chapter 1

Rose POV

"Rose, I'm sorry." My smile fades as Doctor Olendzki's wavers. Something's wrong. What does she have to be sorry for?

We both look up as someone knocks on the door. Alberta enters with a frown on her face. What is…what's going on? Alberta walks over to me before turning around and looking at the doctor. They seem to be having a whole conversation with their eyes while the tension in the room intensifies. Did it get colder, or is it just me?

"Rose," Doctor Olendzki starts as her focus turns back to me, "your test results came back." She glances nervously at Alberta, who glares down in return. "They came back positive for leukemia."

I sit still as my world crashes around me. The walls start to cave in and I do the only thing I can. I deny it.

But I can't.

Not with that damn solemn look on her face.

I look at Alberta, the woman I've always admired, and I find the same look.

It's true.

I have leukemia.

"It's good we caught it when we did, Rose. With some chemotherapy you stand a fighting chance."

Alberta puts her arm around me. "You'll get through this, Rose."

"You'll go to the cancer treatment facility in Missoula and get the treatment you need. Your friends can visit you and when you get better you can finish your training and be a Guardian."

"No." They look at me in disbelief as my word hangs in the air. "I don't want anyone to know." They shout my name in unison. "Doctor - patient confidentiality, right?"

The doctor scoffs. "Rose!"

"It's my choice."

"You are seventeen. You don't have that choice. We have to tell-"

"It's my wish. I know you, both of you. You wouldn't do something I asked you not to."

My words sink in, the shock still hanging in the air. "You don't have to do this alone, Rose."

"I'm a Guardian. Or at least I will be. They come first." Alberta nods in understanding, but Doctor Olendzki is still unconvinced. "Field experience starts next week. If I don't do it, I won't graduate."

"You want to put field experience in front of your health?"

"This is what I've been trained for. They come first."

"Rose!"

"It's my life!" I look to Alberta for help. She knows what it's like to live your life for others… she understands what it means to live this life. The keyword there is _live_.

"Is there any way for her to be an outpatient?"

"You can't be considering-."

"I am." The doctor glares at her but Alberta doesn't falter. "Half-time, of course, if she feels up to it. No night duty. No extra trainings. She can do the class work she missed when she was on 'vacation'."

"She won't be able to-"

"She can try."

She frowns, definitely not happy about what just happened, but she nods nonetheless. I look to my savior who looks back at me, a small smile on her face over her little victory.


	2. Chapter 2

_There are quotes from the book in this chapter. If you recognize anything, then it's a probably a quote. _

Rose POV

My first treatment went according to plan. Alberta herself drove me out to the facility and stayed with me the entire time giving me a hand to hold and soothing words to hear. She didn't even flinch when I got sick, but instead held my hair back and made sure I was okay.

She's more of a mom to me than my own mother ever will be.

That was two days ago. I still have most of my strength and most of my determination, and most importantly I still have my will to live. Especially since I get to basically live with Lissa for the next few weeks. Well, not really since I'll be on half-time, but we'll still be together mostly.

Eddie Castile catches up to me as I walked into the gym. "Are you excited?"

"Hell yeah," I respond. We start talking about what we're about to do, who he hopes to get, and how important this is not only for us, but for our world. At the back of my mind the thought crosses and lingers. The thought of how lucky I am to be here. And it's all because of Alberta.

Without her I would be tucked away in some hospital being miserable.

People would come see me, crying with fear in their eyes.

I would never want that.

"All right," rings Alberta's voice and the crowd of novices falls silent. Before she starts the ceremony she scans the crowd for someone, or maybe even something, and she doesn't stop until her eyes fall on me, an apologetic look on her face.

Stan talks next. He drones on and on telling us all the stuff we already know, the rules and procedures for our time during the next six weeks and how to handle 'attacks'.

Ugh.

Finally, he shuts up and Alberta starts calling off names. One by one she lists off assignments and Eddie and I comment on each one, laughing at the people who got stuck with the worst Moroi. Moroi like Jesse and Ralph. Finally, she calls out Eddie's name followed by "Vasilisa Dragomir". We both freeze.

He looks at me apologetically as he gets up to get his assignment. It was a mistake. It _had_ to be. Lissa is _my _assignment.

Alberta calls my name next along with the bane of my existence, Christian. In a daze I make my way to her to get my assignment. Suddenly I was tired, almost too tired to even care I got stuck with fireboy, and I felt like I was going to throw up. I push the feeling aside and look at my packet.

Christian.

It has all of his information. His schedule. His parent's history. His photo.

I'm surprised it didn't include his favorite type of blood or what day he likes to do his laundry.

I should be mad.

No, I should be fucking furious.

In fact I'm furious at myself for not being more furious.

The list of names seemed to go on forever, but finally the last novice name was read. Stan was shouting above the noise for us to move on to the next stage of the assignment and trying to herd my fellow classmates. I cut through the crowd and go over to Alberta and Dimitri who are talking and ask, "What's this?"

Alberta turns to me, that sad look once again on her face. I can tell she's sorry about it, maybe even sorry she couldn't say anything. She's sorry about the added stress. "It's your assignment, Miss Hathaway." She opens her mouth to say more, but she quickly closes it and walks away. I knew it had something to do with our deal… our arrangement… and she left to keep her promise to me.

Unfortunately Dimitri and I had no such deal.

I could feel his eyes on me, criticizing how pale I am and how tired I look. He is cataloguing every little thing that was different about me and is starting to wonder why I hadn't put up a proper fight. I turn and start to walk away, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and forget this day ever happened, but he calls out for me. I could continue walking, but I know he'd just follow me. "What's wrong?" he asks.

I respond the best way I can. I lie. "I don't know what you're talking about, Comrade."

His eyes narrow and he does that really cool thing with his eyebrows. Why can't I do that? "I can tell when you're lying, Roza."

"Nothing is wrong with me."

"I just want to help you."

"Maybe I'm beyond help." His smile falls at my comment, crushed by my words. I try to lighten the mood with a joke. "After all, I will be spending the next six weeks with Christian."

The joke didn't help. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I _couldn't_ tell you. I'm so sorry-"

"I know. I'm not mad." He stares at me for a minute, trying to determine if I'm being sincere or not. He nods when he realizes I am.

"You're taking this surprisingly well."

"I'm a new Rose," I joke. If only he could know how true that really is.

I think he was thinking the same thing before he dismissed me to join the rest of my class. I made my escape, but I didn't make it far. The feeling from earlier comes crashing back into me and I run to the nearest thing I could find, in my case a bush, and throw up.

It's going to be a long day.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose POV

Eddie won't stop apologizing. It's really getting fucking annoying.

"Eddie," I sigh, "it isn't your fault. Besides, life with Christian won't be so bad." After all, he does spend most of his time with Lissa and he isn't disgusting like say Ralph or too stuck up like most royals. I can handle six weeks of Christian. Can't I?

I hope so.

Eddie opens his mouth to speak but he's interrupted by his new charge. "Please tell me you won't kill him!" she exclaims as she sits down with her lunch. I laugh at her which only leads to my best friend frowning. "You have to take this seriously, Rose."

"Liss, I am taking this seriously."

"Then why did you fight Alberta?" She sounds offended.

"Why did I… what?" What?

She takes a bite of her food before responding. "I heard you fought Alberta about it. I know you're not too fond of Christian, but really Rose? Can't you get along?"

"I…" Is she insane? "I didn't fight Alberta." She raises her eyebrow at me. Why am I the only one who can't do that? "Seriously, Liss."

She shrugs and goes back to her lunch while Christian joins us. Typical conversation flows through our group like it normally does until I find fireboy staring at me.

Okay, maybe he wasn't staring at _me_. Maybe he was staring at my uneaten lunch. Either way it was weird, but I ignore it and focus on acting normal. Well, as normal as I ever am. My luck is short lived because Eddie asks if he could have my lunch. I give it to him without a thought. The old me would have murdered him in his sleep for even suggesting such a horrible crime of nature, but I just gave it to him.

Thankfully no one noticed.

The bell rings and it begins. The beginning of the end. Lissa and Christian kiss each other like they're never seeing one another ever again and I seriously want to lose my lunch. And I almost do, even though I didn't eat anything.

Enough is enough. "Lord Ozera?" I sarcastically ask. He breaks apart from Lissa only to flip me off as Lissa blushes. Eddie tries not to laugh and he fails miserably right before Christian rolls his eyes and makes a dramatic exit. I do the only thing I can do in this situation: I follow him.

He isn't in any super boring class, like AP calculus, thank God. The only lame class he's in is home economics, which I can handle.

Maybe.

We enter the room and I notice that he's not the only male student in this class. "Hey, Christian?" I ask before heading over to my post.

"What, Rose?" he dully responds.

"Please tell me you're in this class because you thought it would be easy and not to pick up girls or anything stupid like that."

He sighs. "Some people took this class to learn things. It's probably hard for you to comprehend that, but it's true."

I turn around, leaving him at his desk by the window, and walk towards the other Novices in the back of the room, laughing the entire way.


	4. Chapter 4

Rose POV

The rest of the day passed in a boring blur of nothing but wasted time. I never really noticed how dull and boring Christian really is, especially when he isn't with Lissa; he just sits around and does his damn homework. Who does that?

Apparently Christian.

Time passed slowly and now it's finally time to go back to my dorm and sleep. My body aches like hell and all I want to do is sleep all night for the first time since I started treatment.

I can hope, right?

"Well, Christian," I hint, "goodnight."

"Goodnight," he sighs as he gets into bed. I head for the door only to be stopped by his voice. "Uh, Rose, where are you going?"

"To my dorm." Where else would I be going right now?

"You do know you're supposed to stay here tonight, right? I get to endure your lovely snoring and you get to sleep on the floor. It's like a slumber party." He pauses for what he probably thinks is a dramatic pause. "I draw the line at makeup and girl talk, though."

What little color drains from my face and my vision starts to get cloudy. "No one told you?"

He looks over at me. He's concerned. It's written all over his face. "Tell me what?"

Oh God.

What do I… how…how do I…?

Dizziness sweeps over me and I start to fall over. I'm preparing myself to hit the floor, but somehow I don't.

He caught me.

Christian caught me.

He says my name, trying to get a response from me but I can't focus since everything is spinning. It took him saying something about going to the clinic before I finally focus enough to say something.

"They can't help me, Christian."

"What do you mean they can't help you? They're medical professionals, Rose. You've been there often enough that you should be able to know they can help you."

"They can't," I argue as I try to stand up. The dizziness returns full force so I sit back down.

He looks at me in an attempt to figure things out. He probably is silently judging whether or not he should call someone to drag me to the clinic. "I still notice everything. What's going on, Rose? And don't tell me nothing."

I think quickly, making a decision. "Your life is in my hands for the next six weeks. You deserve to know what's going on, but if I tell you… you can't tell anyone. Not Lissa, Eddie, Dimitri, Kirova. No one, Chrisitan. No one. Do I make myself clear?"

He doesn't hesitate in making his decision. "Yeah," he nods. "Crystal clear."

I try to figure out how to say it. Noting I say will make it easier, so I decide to just say it. Just to get it out in the open. Kinda like ripping off the Band-Aid quickly so you feel less pain in the long run.

"I have cancer."

Christian freezes as the metaphorical bomb explodes. He doesn't move. Or speak. Or even breathe.

That can't be healthy.

"I had to fight Dr. Olendzki to let me participate in the field experience. Alberta put me on half-time, no nights, as long as I can physically do it." I let the words sink in before I talk again. "I'm telling you because you need to know. Your life is in my hands. If I can't protect you, you have the right to know."

"Rose-"

"There is nothing you can say, Christian, nothing that will change this. It happened. It's life. We have to take it in stride."

"I…"

I nod in understanding. I get it. He doesn't know what to say.

Neither do I.

But at least he gets the option.

I don't.

"You don't have to say anything, Fireboy," I whisper as I give him my man-eater smile. "Seriously. You don't have to say a thing. To anyone. Or else."

"Or else, what?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I joke as I stand up. I don't get dizzy this time.

"Are you going to be okay getting back to your dorm?"

"I'll be fine." And I'm not even lying. I feel fine… for the moment at least. It likes to come and go. "Besides, it's past your curfew. They see you out and who are they going to blame?" I don't give him a chance to answer my question. "Me. Your Guardian."

He rolls his eyes at me. "It's past your curfew, too."

That smile finds its way back to my face. "Yeah, but I have connections."

He laughs, and like that I know the awkwardness is gone. I know I make fun of him and complain about him all the time, but Christian isn't that bad of a guy. He's actually… okay.

Fine, he's more than okay. He's decent.

Kinda like the brother I never wanted but got anyway.

"Later, loser," I say as I walk to the door.

"Be careful, Rose."

"I promise." He gives me a smile and I smile back. "And thanks."

"You don't need to thank me, Rose. You shouldn't have to do this alone."

I nod and leave, not really wanting to hear the whole "you don't have to do this alone" speech. I've heard it enough at the clinic from Dr. Olendzki and Alberta. I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts and self-pity that I end up running into something hard.

Man that hurt.

"Roza?" Dimitri's Russian voice called out. He bends down to make sure I'm okay before helping me stand on my own feet.

I lie again. "I'm fine." The dizziness was back.

"Are you sure? I can take you to the clinic."

He looks at me with his beautiful brown eyes and I lie again. "Really. I'm fine."

I'm going to hell.

Dimitri suddenly goes into his mentor mode. "What are you doing out this late? Not only is it past curfew, but you're supposed to be with Christian. A Strigoi could attack at any moment and you left him de-"

"I'm on half-time, Comrade. No night duty, Alberta's orders."

From the worried and confused look on his face I can tell she didn't tell him. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"No." I am definitely going to hell. "She just wants me to catch up on bookwork from my little 'vacation'. Nothing big."

Disbelief crosses his angelic features. He can see right through the poorly constructed story, yet he can't quite guess the truth. Until he figures it out he's got to follow the story.

"I see," he finally says. "But it's still past curfew."

How many times has he caught me after curfew? Plenty. Why does it matter today? "I couldn't leave Christian to fend for himself, could I? I had to wait until I knew the coast was clear before I could take my leave."

He smiles. It isn't anything big, and it doesn't go all the way to his eyes, but I see the pride in his eyes. "Since that's the case, you go straight to your dorm, Guardian Hathaway."

"I don't know, Guardian Belikov, what if someone catches me out this late? They'll think I'm up to something. You wouldn't want my reputation to be ruined, would you?"

"No," he responds as we get closer. "We wouldn't want that." He bends his head down to mine and we kiss. It isn't something completely earth shattering, but it's sweet and special and it's wonderful.

I'm going to miss that when I have to leave.

I'm going to miss him so much.

"Walk me to my room, Comrade?"

He smiles to me, grabs my hand, and we're off. We're silent, but it doesn't matter. For once it's just the two of us. There is no practice to be done. Or Strigoi to be fighting.

It's just us being us.

And it's amazing.

We make it to my building and he walks me to my door. I realize the building's empty, except for me, everyone else being in their charge's room for the night.

"Are you okay, Roza? You look a little..."

He always has to be the gentleman. "You can tell me I look horrible. It's okay, Comrade."

He brushes back the hair from my face. "I was going to say pale."

I laugh faintly. "Sure."

His hand lingers on my cheek. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I could lie again, but I'm tired of lying.

I'm tired of everything.

I'm just so damn tired.

"No. I'm not," I admit.

"Do you want me to stay?"

My eyes meet his as they searched for sincerity. They found some. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You don't have to."

"Aren't you on duty?"

He looks down at his watch. "My shift ended ten minutes ago." A smile crosses his lips. "I'm all yours, if you want me."

I smile at his words. "I'll always want you."

He gives me his grin, the one that lights up his entire face, and we go inside. I lay down on my bed and he gets in beside me, putting his arm around me.

That's the story of how I got a 6'7" Russian into my bed and how I slept all through the night for the first time in what felt like forever.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five:

Rose POV

To my surprise I wake up next to a sleeping Russian. I thought he'd have better things to do than stay with me, but no. He stayed.

He looks so peaceful when he's asleep…

I wish that we could stay like this forever, just him and me. Just like this. I wish that this is how he could remember me instead of how I'll be towards the end. I'm not giving up by any means, but I'm just being realistic. I'm going to be all the things I hate. Weak. Dependent on someone else. And my hair! My beautiful hair.

The hair I was never going to cut.

I guess I'll be showing off my molnija marks after all.

Unwanted tears fill my eyes and I somehow make it to the bathroom without waking Dimitri. I let the tears fall as I crumple to the floor.

Who am I?

This isn't Rose Hathaway.

The Rose Hathaway I know would never do this. She'd never be crying in her bathroom while there is a half-naked Russian god in her bed.

Rose BC would never let this happen.

Rose BC.

Before Cancer.

No. I'm not going to let anyone classify me as two different people, especially not myself. I am Rose; I've always been her and I always will be. I'm not going to waste my time in here alone when he's out there! No!

I stand up, fully intending to take advantage of the situation, but I sit back down. The room is spinning out of control and I can feel the bile rising up my throat.

I make it to the toilet just in time.

Fifteen minutes later I emerge from the bathroom and by some miracle Dimitri is still asleep. I crawl back into my bed, getting as close to his shirtless form as I could. Without warning his arms envelope me, pulling me as close to him as physically possible and I love it, even though part of me knows he'd never do this if he was awake. I ignore that part, closing my eyes in the process, and just live in the moment.

It worked fine until Dimitri wakes up and ruins it.

He leans forward to kiss my forehead, holding me tighter against him, if that's even possible. His lips make their way to mine, kissing me like there is no tomorrow before he suddenly stops. "I know you're awake, Roza," he laughs.

"I don't care," I respond as I cuddle closer, laying my head on his chest.

He starts running his hand up and down my back and I start to fall asleep.

My stupid alarm chooses that fucking moment to go off.

"I'm going to murder that fucking thing," I mutter as I try to turn it off.

Dimitri reaches over me and turns it off, chuckling in the process. I try to get back into my original position, but Dimitri stops me with three little words.

"I love you."

I freeze. I don't know why, but I do. We've never said those words before. Not out loud, anyway. I've thought of them; I've thought of saying them so many times, but I've never thought I'd hear him say them.

"I-"

"I'm not expecting you to feel the same way. I just-"

I kiss him, cutting him off.

I can't say the words, not when I'm… I just couldn't do that to him. So I do the only thing I can, I say it without saying it.

We break apart to breathe and I know he understands me. He knows how I feel and that I just can't say the words.

He brushes the hair from my from face, kisses me one last time, and gets out of bed reluctantly. "If I don't leave now, I'll never go."

"Do you have to?" I whine.

He laughs as he puts on his damn shirt. Can't he just go on without that? He walks over to me and stares into my eyes, looking straight into my very soul. When his gaze leaves my eyes I can tell he's judging my skin by its paleness, my eyes for their slightly puffy state, and my body for the weight I've slowly lost. He hesitates in asking, his mother taught him better than to comment on a woman's appearance, so he simply asks the words I've heard about a million times. "Are you okay?"

I could lie.

I could tell him the truth. All of it. Just tell him everything.

I could ignore him.

There are a lot of things I could do.

I don't want to lie to him. I don't really want to lie to anyone, least of all him, but it's better this way. He won't have to go through the pain of being there with me when it happens- _if_ it happens. He can remember me like this.

Like the girl he loves. Not like the weak thing she's about to become.

"I'm fine, Comrade," I respond with a small smile on my face, "and it's all because of you."

His eyes sparkle as he starts to grin. "I'm glad to hear it." I kiss him and then drag him to the door. If he stays one more minute I know he'll never leave. He looks at me, his eyes saying everything he wanted to say, and finally leaves my room with a grin on his face.

I sigh and get ready for the day.


	6. Chapter 6

Rose POV

My treatment was moved up a day due to field experience. I dragged my unhappy ass out of bed after only an hour – A FUCKING HOUR – of sleep only to find Christian waiting for me. "Not now, Sparky," I express on my way out the door. He follows me as I make my way across campus to the front parking lot and find Alberta's silver Accord. "Uh, fireboy?" I ask as he waits with me. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like, Rosie?" he innocently asks. "I'm waiting for Alberta to drive us to your appointment."

All the air leaves my body and I can't breathe. It felt like the entire world was crushing me slowly and painfully.

What did he just say?

Did he just-

No! No way in hell!

"Sparky, get your ass out of this parking lot," I threaten, "before I do it for you."

He stands his God damn ground. "Looks like you'll have to make me." There was a glint in his eye, one just begging for me to do it. It was a challenge and I never step away from a challenge.

But I do.

There was no way _I_ could force him to leave. If I tried to use force then he'd just set me on fire. Though I'd love to see him try, I'm not in the mood to be set ablaze, not right before I'm about to be pumped full of poison. But there _is_ someone who does have the authority to send his ass back to his dorm.

Alberta.

It's too bad she isn't here yet.

"What's so wrong with me wanting to go, Rose?" he asks somewhat hurt. "I'm your friend, I care about you. I want to be there. What's so wrong about that?"

What's wrong about it? Everything! _I_ don't come first; _they_ do. He's a Moroi who wants to be taken out of the wards with only one Guardian and a Novice who is about to be so out of it she'll be useless during the human day and part of the Moroi day. But it's more than that. He wants to be there when they put that… that stuff into my body. He wants to be there to see me cry and throw up and be… weak.

I don't want anyone to see me like that.

It's bad enough that Alberta has to.

"I said no," I scream.

He sighs. "You don't have to-"

"Yes I do, Christian, it's my job."

He looks at me in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"It's _my_ job to protect _you_. Well I'm doing it. I'm protecting you from me. Now get out of here!"

Something that looks like realization fills his eyes and he smirks at me. "Rosie, you can't stop me from going so just give up."

"Alberta will never let you go. Besides you'll be missing class."

"She's already given me permission and I already did today's homework."

Ugh. He's such a nerd that I believe him. "I don't-"

"Yes you do, don't lie to me. You want me there and you know it, but you're afraid of me seeing you in such a venerable state." I gape at him before he continues with, "I'm right, aren't I?" I look away from him, confirming his words. "We're friends. This is what friends do."

I nod in defeat, my eyes not meeting his. Alberta finally shows up and we leave.

* * *

The drive was torture. It was way too quiet and awkward. Alberta tried to make small talk with Christian and it worked for a while, but they ran out of things to talk about. I stayed out of it and just stared out the window, watching the boring Montana landscape I've seen a hundred thousand times. Eventually we made it to the facility and the treatment begun. Christian sat in a chair next to me while Alberta left to run errands.

I'd been grateful for Christian in Spokane, but it was nothing compared to this. I always imagined me being the one to comfort and help him and Lissa, not the other way around.

I never actually imagined any of us having cancer, but hey, when life gives you lemons…

He just sat there and was acting like Christian. There I was with a freaking needle in my fucking vein and he just told me to, and I quote, "suck it up princess".

Believe it or not, that's exactly what I needed.

I was afraid someone would come and cry and treat me like some fragile doll or something, but no. Christian was just being Christian. There were no tears or talk of dying; it was just two friends casually insulting each other and one of us just happened to have that fucking needle inside her.

It was, well, normal.

It was… it was nice. Not that I'd ever admit that to anyone.

The car ride back to the academy was different. It didn't feel awkward to me, but instead it felt, I don't know, natural. I knew that if Lissa was in this car, or even worse Dimitri, it wouldn't have been like that. Instead it'd be full of pity or some other emotion. Fear maybe?

I don't know.

I never seem to know anymore.

"Hey, Rose," Alberta whispers, gradually getting louder and she continues. She's worse than that fucking alarm clock. "Rose. Rose! Rooose! We're baaack! Get out of my car!" She laughs at the last part. My eyes flitter open and I flip her off. Christian laughs as she looks at me with mock disapproval before laughing herself. We all get out of the car and start walking towards main campus. "Do you think you can make it to your room?" Alberta asks.

I can tell she's evaluating me like she does every day. She's watching how I walk and how I look. Hell, she's probably even counted all the insults I've given to Christian today. "I'm fine, Alberta. Go do whatever it is you should be doing."

She gives me a frown before turning her gaze to Christian. "Make sure she gets there in one piece."

He salutes her and she gives him a return nod before turning around and wanders off. I stumble a little, but we made it to my room and I'm still in one piece. Yay.

As we stand by the door I open my mouth to thank him, but he puts up his hand to stop me. "Don't even say it. This is what friends are for." I look down and nod. "Will you be okay?"

"I'll be as okay as I can be," I smile. I didn't realize until this moment how tired I was. I probably looked ten times worse.

Christian gives me a once over before deeming it safe to leave me alone. He mumbles something about finding Lissa and leaves. I'm finally alone and I couldn't be happier. I crawl into bed, not even bothering to change out of my jeans, and quickly fall asleep.

* * *

_A/N: I haven't said much about this story, so let me just thank everyone for reading. For those of you who review, thank you so much! This was more or less a filler chapter, one that needed to be done, but still filler nonetheless. The next one will be more eventful, promise. :) Thanks for reading!_


	7. Chapter 7

_This chapter does contain some direct quotes. If you recognize it, then it probably isn't mine. _

Rose POV

After a long day of throwing up and trying to nap, I finally feel a little better. It was such a drastic change that I'm actually feeling a bit adventurous. So adventurous in fact that I not only want to get out of my room, but I also want food. _Real_ unhealthy and greasy and delicious.

I'm so going to regret this.

I leave my room quietly and feeling great. I have some color on my skin, a smile on my face, and a growl in my stomach. It's like I'm finally Rose again.

"Look!" someone exclaims from behind me. "The infamous Rose Hathaway is finally gracing us with her presence!" I roll my eyes at Christian, but I stop and wait for him. I guess I'm just a nice person. "Feeling better?"

I smile back at him. I'm not letting anything get me back down. Nothing. Not even Christian. "I'm great. No, I'm better than great! I'm _fantastic_!"

He looks at me like I've gone insane. "Who are you and what have you done with Rose Hathaway?" I roll my eyes and laugh. "You're looking normal again."

"I feel normal again." We both bust out laughing and for once it was like old times again. We insulted each other and laughed and it was awesome.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a figure stalking forward. Excitement starts to crash into my veins.

Finally, my first test.

My first instinct is to get the Moroi out of the way. Luckily I just have fireboy to worry about. I push him behind me as I hold my finger to my lips. "Stay behind me," I warn. "If I say run, you run."

I can see the sense of danger go off inside his head, even though he can't see the threat. He nods in understanding as he starts to search for the danger.

We totally got this.

Stan chooses this moment to strike. He's alone, which is common for this exercise. Most Strigoi work solo, or in small groups of two to four. You'll hardly see anything bigger than that. He charges forward and I tell my body to do something, anything, to block him and keep him away from Christian, but nothing happens.

I don't move.

I don't move an inch.

Instead, my vision starts to cloud, dark spots twirling before my eyes putting on some sort of show. My knees start to go weak as the world starts to spin. Faster and faster and faster. The feeling of disappearing into the empty void creeps over me and I know I'm done. I know I'm going to pass out right there in front of Stan, letting the "Strigoi" get my charge.

In that moment I knew everything was over.

I'd have to come clean.

I'd have to go away. They'd never let me stay.

It was over.

Only, that never happened. My world righted itself just in time to see Stan's arm at the throat of my charge's neck. My eyes go wide at the sight and he releases Christian with an angry expression on his face.

"Hathaway!" he barks. "What the fuck was that?"

Normally when any person of authority swears I'd laugh my ass off, but now wasn't the time or place, and believe it or not, Stan was scaring me. All I could do was stare at Stan's angry face and feel so small.

All my life I wanted to be a Guardian and now… not that is all going to be taken from me. All of it.

I've never been so scared.

Not even when I was diagnosed with cancer.

"If I had been Strigoi," he growls, "he would be dead."

"You're right," I admit softly. Did I really just say that?

He goes into shock. "What did you just say?"

Yep. Okay. I really did say that. "I said you were right. I'm sorry."

He froze. Christian stood there gaping between Stan and me before Stan turns to leave. Fireboy comes over to me asking the words I've grown so tired of hearing. "Are you okay?"

Am I okay? Was I ever really okay?

No.

Not really.

"I'm not hungry anymore," I state almost robotically. I leave and go back to my room right before the world starts spinning again. The dark clouds appear and this time they take me.

* * *

Most disciplinary issues at the academy go to Headmistress Kirova. However, some things are just too big, even for her to handle.

Something like this: hypothetically willfully endangering a Moroi.

In these cases, though very, very rare, a panel of Guardians will come together to hear the case and make a final decision, as well as dole out the appropriate punishment as they see fit. In my case the leader of the panel was none other than Alberta, naturally since she's the head Guardian, and two other Guardians, Emil and Celeste. The only two people besides me in attendance are Stan and Dimitri. Stan's here to testify on his own behalf, the behalf trying to end my career before I even get the chance to start it. And Dimitri… I have no clue why he's here.

Why is he here?

I don't want him to see this.

"For the last time, I didn't do it on purpose," I tryto tell them yet again. Two of them don't believe me and the other one's Alberta.

"You refused to protect a Moroi," states Celeste. "The Moroi you were specifically assigned to."

"I didn't refuse, I just… fumbled."

Stan, the fucking bastard, takes this time to speak his case, not even really bothering to ask permission. "If you'd blocked or attacked me and messed up, that would be a fumble. But you didn't block. You didn't attack. You didn't even try. You just stood there and did nothing."

I sigh. He was right. I did nothing to stop the attack. I… I did nothing. But I didn't do it on purpose! "I made a mistake and I'm sorry. Everyone makes mistakes, though. Isn't that the purpose of doing this exercise? To make mistakes?" Every eye was on me and all I wanted to do was cry.

Emil spoke next. "Someone who already killed Strigoi would make this big of a mistake?"

So that's what this is about. "I kill two Strigoi and now I'm an expert? If that were true, you'd already unleash me upon the world."

"Enough!" Alberta exclaims, her voice ringing throughout the basically deserted room. "We've heard enough. I think it's time we deliberate."

"Wait," a voice interjects behind me, "can I say something?" What is he doing?

"Guardian Belikov, what-"

"Please? It will only take a minute," Dimitri promises. Alberta looks at her fellow panel members before nodding to Dimitri. "Rose is impulsive, we all know this. But since the time she's been back at the academy she has done everything you've asked of her. She's gone to every practice, her grades have improved, and she's stayed out of trouble." Stan gives him a look of pure disbelief and Dimitri ignores it. "You can all agree that Rose will make a wonderful Guardian one day; you can't deny her the chance solely based on circumstantial evidence with absolutely no proof."

Alberta, as well as Emil and Celeste, take a moment to mull over Dimitri's words. He's said those words before. Maybe not exactly, but something similar, the day he brought us back to the academy.

I was going to get kicked out then, too.

He saved me that day and he tried to do it again.

I don't think I have a chance this time, though.

"Rose," Alberta says, "we've come to our decision. Is there anything you'd like to add before we continue?"

I nod as I stand. "I'm ready for whatever punishment you've set. It's been one hell of a journey being back at the academy since I've been back and I just want to thank you, each and every one of you, that includes Guardian Alto," I give him a small smile, to show my sincerity, "for actually trying to teach me and never giving up, even when you really, really wanted to. I'll miss you all. Even Stan."

I sit back down and wait to hear the words I know are coming. "Miss Hathaway, you are punished to community service this Sunday."

"I'll start pack- wait, what?" What did she say?

She raises her eyebrow at me. Seriously, can everyone do that? "Did you honestly think we'd unleash _you_ upon the world when you're not ready?"

"No…"

"Alright then." She smiles at me before leaving the room, the rest of the panel and Stan following behind her. I get up to leave, but Dimitri puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"We need to talk, Roza."


	8. Chapter 8

Warning: there are some direct quotes.

Rose POV

He leads me out of the room and into another. Dimitri leaves for a moment, promising to be right back, and I take the time to look around. It's a dusty room that is obviously not used this time of year.

It's also freezing.

My body starts shivering and shaking and nothing I can do will stop it. So, I do what any cancer bearing person would do. I look out the large windows and enjoy the snow covered view, grateful I have the ability to do so.

I get lost in the twirling snowflakes outside when I feel something touch my shoulders. I jump at the suddenness and look up to see Dimitri's worried face; I look down to see his duster draped over me. "I didn't mean to scare you, Roza." A small smile finds its way to my lips. He really is worried about me. "I didn't think it'd be this cold out here," he says as he eyes me. "We should go somewhere warmer."

"I'm fine," I respond trying not to sound too defensive or whiney. "What do you want to talk to me about?"

He turns around giving me the perfect view of his perfectly sculpted- nope. It's gone. He's turned back around. "This should warm you up a little." He hands me a cup of hot chocolate. I take it, but only because he made it for me. We sit down at a little table in the corner and he starts downing his hot beverage like there's no tomorrow. I carefully take a sip of mine, more out of politeness than anything. It's scalding hot.

How is he just drinking his?

Does he even have any taste buds left, or has he burned them all off?

I look over to Dimitri and find him blatantly watching me. He's not even putting up some façade or trying to spare my feelings by hiding it.

He really must be worried.

And he has a right to. If the roles were reversed, if he was the one living with this disease, there would be no way in hell he could have kept it hidden from me. I don't care if he wanted me to know or not, I'd do whatever it'd take to find out what the fuck was wrong, legal or not.

But Dimitri's not me and I'm not Dimitri.

I'm just Rose.

A very, very scared Rose scared of losing Dimitri. Scared of Dimitri losing me.

I love him. I love him so much it hurts me and that's why I can't even think of telling him. I can't tell him I love him because I _will_ leave him. Me being his student and both of us being Guardians… we could have handled that. We could have worked that out. But this? This isn't something as simple as that. This is…

This is life or death, and this time there is no coming back from the dead.

This time it's final.

I can't do him to that. I can't tell him those words when I know there may not be a tomorrow. I can't tell him I love him and then have him grieving over my cold, dead body.

I can't live with that image in my head.

Just like I can't live with breaking his heart by telling him I have cancer.

I can just see it now, the look of pure devastation on his face, the paling of his skin, the haunted look in his beautiful brow eyes, the sound of his heart shattering into a million sharp pieces, cutting him deeper and deeper with each and every breath.

I couldn't do that to him.

I could never ever do that.

Not to him.

Not to Dimitri.

Tears that I didn't know I even had start to spill out of my eyes and I quickly try to hide my face, but I'm too slow.

He saw me. Of course he did.

He reaches over the table, drags my head up forcing my eyes to meet his, and wipes away my tears. "Roza," he says, his voice pain filled. "If there's something wrong – something you're afraid to tell the others, you can tell me. Please. Please-" The last few words came out as hoarse whisper before just cutting off.

I want to lie to him and tell him everything is going to be okay. I just want to wrap my arms around him, breathe in his scent and lie to both of us until we both start believing, but I can't. "I am afraid," I cry. "I am so afraid. But I'll take care of everything. I'll take care of me."

He sits there, looking at me with a look I have never seen before. It's something I can't interpret. What does it mean? "You don't have to do this alone," he says at last. I want to throw myself into his arms and tell him everything, but I know I just can't.

I give him a soft, barely existent smile. "You say that… but tell me the truth. Do _you_ go running to others when you have problems?"

"That isn't the same-"

I know it isn't. I know I'm not playing fair, but I can't help it. It's better this way. "Answer the question, Comrade."

He leans forward and brushes back the hair that's fallen from my ponytail. He speaks so low that I barely hear him. "I love it when you call me that. I don't think I'll ever stop loving it."

I want to cry again. I want to run away from this moment. I whisper back, "Don't avoid the question."

"No," he admits. "I try to deal with my problems on my own."

"See?"

"Roza…"

"Do you trust me?" I ask him.

He briefly hesitates. "Yes."

"Then trust me now, and don't worry about me just this once."

He looks at me, staring into my tired eyes before going to all the other little things: the pale skin, the dull hair, the lost weight. I know he's fighting himself trying to decide to go against his better judgment or to do the responsible thing and get the answer to his questions.

I make the decision for him.

I get up and he doesn't say anything or even try to stop me. I make my escape, cutting through the room the hearing was held in, and leave the building, throwing my basically untouched hot chocolate in the garbage can as I walk past.

What have I done?

* * *

_A/N: A lot of people have been asking me about when Dimitri will find out. It will be soon. I promise._

_Don't forget to review! You are all fantastic!_


	9. Chapter 9

_If anything looks vaguely familiar it is probably a direct quote. I didn't mean for this to be this long, but hey, happy New Year!_

Rose POV

The rest of the week passed slowly and uneventfully. There were no attacks, I felt okay, and I didn't see Dimitri anywhere. It wasn't like I was trying to avoid him or anything. I wasn't.

I miss him. I miss seeing him every day, sparing with him, talking to him about random shit and just getting to know him.

I miss _us_.

I sigh lightly, earning an elbow to the ribs by none other than Lissa. Her jab actually hurts, probably due to my weakened state and not by her natural born strength, or rather lack of. She doesn't notice the pain in my eyes when she sends me her death glare. I get it Lissa. Pay attention in church. Got it.

I probably _should_ pay closer attention. I'm not religious, not by any means, but a lot of people take comfort in believing in something. It makes them stronger; it helps them in the long run. I doubt religion can do that for me, but hey, if I can stay awake long enough, why not give it a try?

Somehow, maybe by the will of God himself, I manage to stay awake through the whole service and I did so without the help of Lissa's iron elbow.

I was right. Religion is not my thing.

It's still as long and boring as I remembered. I used to come with Lissa when we first got back, but only because it was the one social event Kirova gave me. I stopped going when she got a little less strict because I prefer my beauty sleep, but today I _had_ to go.

I think making me go to mass was my punishment. Making me do community service is just an extra bonus.

The priest stops talking and everyone gets up to leave. I stay put considering the fact I'm trapped here for the next few hours, but I watch all the people trickle out of the building. You have the kids who are forced to be here, the kids who actually want to be here, and then the adults. The adults are harder to classify, but you can totally tell some of them are here just because they have to be. They're here to make sure no one starts a fist fight or burn the place down, which honestly is more likely to happen in the storage room any other day of the week than during Sunday service, but whatever. They're just doing their job. I'm not going to complain or anything.

"You going to be okay, Rosie?" Christian asks me with a smirk on his face.

I take a deep breath and focus on not punching him. Maybe we do need someone here to stop fist fights. "Call me Rosie one more time fireboy. See what happens."

Lissa scolds, "Rose! We're in church!" and Christian, out of Lissa's view, just smirks. I point to him and Lissa turns to look, catching him. His smug look disappears as Lissa basically drags him out of the building. I laugh quietly. That was almost worth coming to church today. Almost.

I turn my attention back to the priest who is still standing at the front of the church talking to a few people, students and staff alike. Someone sits down beside and places their hand on my upper thigh. I get ready to pull the hand off of me and off the owner's body, but I stop, recognizing the callused hand.

"Really Comrade?" I snort. "In a church? I am shocked."

He laughs before moving his hand and grinning like a madman. It's cute. "You know me, Roza. Just couldn't resist."

I roll my eyes. I do know him and he never acts like this. What is going on? "You might want to get out of here," I tell him mater-of-factly. He raises his eyebrow at me, curiosity getting the best of him. Oh, my Comrade.

My Comrade.

I like the sound of that.

"I serve my community service today," I remind him. "If you stay any longer he might put you to work, too."

He laughs again, but at what I don't know. "That's the plan."

I snort. "Why? It's your day off! Shouldn't you be reading a crappy western or something?"

"I've read them all," he jokingly replies.

"That doesn't explain why you want to be stuck here all day doing work you don't have to do." Why on earth would he want to spend his one day off here?

He looks me straight in the eyes. "Is it so wrong that I want to spend the day with you?" Did I imagine that or did he really- "The priest is waiting for us."

I look over to Father Andrew, surprised to see him smiling back, finally alone and in normal clothes.

When did that happen?

Dimitri chuckles as we stand up and go to the front.

Let the punishment begin.

"Thank you both for volunteering to help me," Father Andrew grins. Volunteering. Yeah. Let's go with that. "We aren't doing anything particularly complex today. It's a bit boring, really," he warns. "We'll have to do the regular cleaning, of course, and then I'd like to sort the boxes of old supplies I have sitting in the attic."

"We're happy to do whatever you need," Dimitri states. For whatever reason, he's really into cleaning this place.

Maybe he is just happy to spend time with me.

I grab a mop and set to it. The floor wasn't that bad, but hey, moping is better than dusting, which is what Dimitri gets stuck with. After that he has to polish the pews, which is something I would dread doing but Dimitri… he looks like he's having fun.

I think he might be a closet cleaning fanatic. We're going to have to talk about that later.

Like always, Dimitri is taking pride in his work. Every so often I'll catch him looking at me which earns me one of his rare grins.

I love those grins.

Unfortunately, I do not love moping. It was kicking my ass. How embarrassing is that? I'm sweating from pushing a mop around. It's pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

I finally finish the floor as Dimitri finishes his last pew. I'm sweaty and out of breath but I don't care. It's done, it looks nice, and hopefully we're almost done here.

"Roza?" Dimitri's worried voice asks as he walks over to me. He says something in Russian; normally I'd think it was a cuss word, but he wouldn't do that in a church, would he? "Sit down," he commands, basically pushing me down into the front pew. He puts his hand on my sweat drenched forehead and quickly says something in Russian again.

I should learn Russian. Then maybe I'd know what he's saying.

I move his hand and tell him, "I'm fine." I'm a hundred percent positive he doesn't believe me.

"You don't look fine, Roza. You look like you're about to fall over. Maybe you should-"

"Don't even finish that sentence," I warn. He looks at me in disbelief. "This is my punishment. At least let me finish it."

He raises his eyebrow at me. Why can't I do that?! "_You_ want to finish your punishment?"

"I know," I tease, "shocking, isn't it?" I give him a wink and he shakes his head at me, a smile appearing on his face. I drag my tired ass up. "Let's finish this, shall we?"

Father Andrew suddenly appears and gives us our next task: dragging boxes from the attic, otherwise known as Lissa and Christians "romantic getaway".

Gross.

We pull a few boxes and take it back to the sanctuary. We go through everything, making piles of what to keep and what to get rid of. It's boring and tedious, but we get to sit. I like sitting.

After about an hour of awkward conversation and a few paper cuts we're done! I'm free!

Almost.

Father Andrew points to two boxes we just packed. "I need you to carry those over to the elementary campus. Leave them off at the Moroi dorm. Ms. Davis has been teaching Sunday school for some of the kindergarteners and might be able to use them." I give him my finest salute and he smiles back. "Thank you for all of your help."

I grin and Dimitri answers for us both. "You're welcome, Father."

Dimitri picks up the lighter box and hands it to me. I try to raise my eyebrow at him and fail miserably. He laughs. "No trying to stop me this time? No "Roza, you'd better sit down, you look like you're going to fall over"?" I mock in my best Dimitri impersonation.

He rolls his beautiful brown eyes. "I do not sound like that."

I nod my head enthusiastically. "Yes you do," I sing. "Don't even deny it, comrade."

He picks up the other box and we're on our way. "I knew you'd argue if I even thought of doing this by myself."

"Damn straight." He laughs again. What is with him? He's never this relaxed. It's like he's actually enjoying himself for once!

I like it.

We joke and laugh on the way to the lower campus. It feels normal. It feels right.

It feels like home.

Instead of going straight to the lower school we stop halfway at the middle school dorm. I look over to Dimitri who just shrugs. "Ms. Davis lives here. I'm going to go see if I can find her and see where she wants these."

He wanders out of sight as I look around. There are a few younger students mulling around, doing whatever preteens do these days. I spy a comfy looking chair and sit, my muscles screaming in appreciation. I tilt my head back and close my eyes. If I fall asleep maybe Dimitri will carry me back.

"Oh. My. God. You're Rose Hathaway, aren't you?" a high-pitched voice calls out. I jump at the suddenness and I see a timid Moroi girl blush. "Sorry."

"It's okay," I reply. Don't these kids have manners? "What's your name?"

"Jillian- Jill. I mean, just Jill. Not both. Jillian's my-"

"I got it. It's nice to meet you, Jill." I hold out my hand and she shakes it, eyes wide.

This is weird. You'd think I'm her hero or something.

"Were you with Guardian Belikov earlier?"

Ah. There it is. She has a crush on Dimitri.

My Comrade. Such a heart breaker.

I smile at the kid. "Yeah."

"He's even cuter than I heard!" Yeah. He really is. I smile involuntarily at the thought. "He's like your own personal teacher, right?"

"Yeah."

"Wow!" For some reason I think this just made her life. "You guys don't even act like teacher and student. You seem like friends. Do you hang out when you're not training?"

My mind goes back to the night he stayed in my room and all the way back to our first kiss. We really do spend a lot of time together and it's wonderful. "Sometimes."

"I knew it! I can't even imagine that- I'd be freaking out all the time around him. I'd never get anything done, but you're so cool about it, kind of like, 'Yeah, I'm with this totally hot guy, but whatever, it doesn't even matter.'"

I laugh. I laugh so hard I can't breathe.

Seriously. I can't breathe.

I start chocking on air.

The poor girl's eyes go wide from shock. I'm scaring her.

Dammit lungs. You have one job! Work!

Dimitri enters the lobby and immediately sees what is going on. He's always got to save the damsel in distress.

Not that I'm complaining. I'd actually prefer that at the moment.

He comes over and starts hitting me on the back. After a few hard hits I'm back to normal. "Thanks, Comrade," I whisper hoarsely as he gives me a glance over. I don't know how I'm getting out of this one. I glance at Jill who is still gaping at us. "Jill, I'm sorry for scaring you." Dimitri looks from me to the girl, noticing her for the first time. "Dimitri, this is Jill. Jill, this is Dimitri."

They shake hands and Jill stammers a goodbye before running off. She looked quite embarrassed, though I have no clue why.

Ms. Davis walks into the room, thanks us, and we leave. Our walk back is quiet, neither of us really bothering to say anything. We didn't need to. That's the thing about Dimitri and I… we don't need words to explain how we feel or what is on our mind. The other just knows.

Unless the person is hiding a big secret.

I'm a horrible person.

I feel Dimitri's hand wrap around mine, our fingers intertwining in their natural way. I glance up at him in panic. What is he doing? It's the middle of the Moroi day! What if someone sees?

This isn't like him at all.

Who is this man and what has he done with my comrade?

He laughs at my panic and it's infectious. I laugh and can't believe how carefree we both are. We're holding hands in the middle of the Moroi afternoon!

By the time we make it to my building we haven't seen a soul. No one's inside in the lobby, not that I was expecting there to. I'm the only one on my floor and there are so few other girl Dhampirs that it's rare to see anyone lurking about. Everyone's got better things to do. I unlock my door we enter my dull room. As soon as the door is closed and locked I find myself in Dimitri's arms, his lips on mine. It wasn't like any of our usual kisses; it was something else, something more. It was urgent and demanding, yet very gentle.

It's like he's afraid to break me.

When we break apart for air I can see the silent torment in his eyes. He's in pain. He's in pain and like usual, I'm probably the cause. "What's wrong?"

I can see it in his eyes, he's debating if he should lie and keep it all bottled up inside. He doesn't want to let anyone in, especially not me. Which is why his response is so shocking. "I'm afraid, Roza," he whispers back, his voice full of emotion. Why do I have the feeling one of us is going to cry?

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close to me. "Don't be, Comrade. Everything is going to be fine."

He looks at me, his eyes burning into mine. "Why do I have the feeling you're going to leave me?"

I can feel the color drain from my face as I start to blink back tears. "I will never, _never_ leave you. Do you understand me? They will have to drag me from you kicking and screaming." A sob leaves my body and I just completely break down. Dimitri's arms tighten around me and he pulls me as close to his body as physically possible. I lay my head on his chest as he strokes my back and murmurs soothing words in his native tongue.

He's right. I will have to leave him one day; I might as well face it now. It could be when I leave the academy, whenever that'll be. It could be before then, or even after then.

I'm going to die.

It's a fact; I've done it before, it's only fitting I do it again. Only, the second time around I always imagined I'd be in some glorious fight while I was gallantly fighting for the life of some Moroi, preferably Lissa. There's nothing glorious about cancer, but that doesn't change it. I'm still going to die. I'm still going to leave. There is nothing I can do to stop it. There are no words I can say to make it better.

I really am a damsel in distress.

And just like last time, I have a tall Russian comrade in a duster to save me.

My hero.

I stop crying, but I don't bother to move. I'm much too comfortable to waste the energy I don't have. Dimitri kisses my hair, still murmuring things in Russian.

It feels like home.

I have to say it. I have to say the words.

I pull back from his embrace just a little, so I could look in his eyes. "I love you." He starts grinning one of his not-quite-so-rare-anymore grins that almost takes my breath away.

"I love you so much it hurts, Roza."

I smile meekly at him. "I know." I stand up on my tiptoes and rewrap my arms around his neck before kissing him. "Thank you for saving me today," I whisper in his ear. "My hero."

"I'll always be there to save you," he promises. "Always." He kisses me again before picking me up, twirling me around, and carefully placing me back on my feet. "Roza, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

"Even like this?" I joke, referring to my puffy red eyes complete with dark bags, and my other wonderful faults like, the loss of my rad tan, curves and basically everything else that made me the sexy and exotic Rose Hathaway everyone has known and loved.

His grin deepens as he brushes the hair away from my face. "Especially like this." I flash him my dazzling trademarked Rose Hathaway smile before yawning. Smooth, Rose, very smooth. He laughs for what must be the millionth time today. I have never seen him this carefree, relaxed and happy. I love it. I love him. "I know you're tired, but there's something I need to tell you." He's back into his Guardian mode.

Something's wrong.

I think I should probably sit. I make myself comfortable on my bed before looking at him, giving him permission to continue.

He goes straight to the point. "I didn't tell you this sooner because I didn't want you to worry."

"Go on."

He takes a deep breath. "Victor Dashkov's trial has been set for next Saturday."

Okay.

Breathe. Just… breathe.

He hasn't been on trial yet. That makes sense. He's royal. They'd have a lot of things to do in this sort of situation. Lots of procedures and protocols. It's typical.

He's not going to get away with it.

Good. That's comforting at least.

But what if he does? What if there is no one there to testify against him? What if he gets set free and tries to kidnap Lissa again? What if-

"Roza! Roza, breathe!" I hear Dimitri exclaim. I look up and find him sitting next to me. Yes. Breathe. Good lungs. "You're taking this better than I thought."

"I am, aren't I?" I ask myself more than Dimitri. "Weird." He looks at me a little worried. "Lissa should go. She should be able to testify. If anyone goes, it should be her." I don't even bother saying, or even thinking I should go. There is no way in hell they'd ever take me.

"Everyone thought it would be best for you, Lissa, and Christian to stay behind at the academy during the trial." I shoot him a look, which he quickly ignores. "Everyone except Alberta and me. I tried so hard to get everyone to change their minds, but I only have so much pull, Rose. I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry I am that I couldn't do this for you."

His face contains his Guardian mask, but his eyes reveal the truth. He really is sorry. "Dimitri, it's okay. At least you tried. That's the main part. Thank you for trying."

He smiles at me, his eyes full of love. "Since Alberta is head Guardian, she has the final say over these things, especially since she was there the night we went to rescue Lissa…"

"And…?" Please say she can go. Please, please say she can go.

"And she wants you, Lissa, and Christian to testify. Since this is happening during field experience, Eddie's going too."

I blink a few times.

What?

She's letting me… she's letting me go? Why?

Like it really matters. I'm going! I'm going to Court! That bastard is going down!

I lean forward and kiss my sexy Russian. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

He kisses me a few times. "You're welcome, my Roza." I yawn again, letting the weight of the day come crashing down on me. "You should go to bed."

"Stay with me?" I plead. I don't want him to go.

He grins at me. "I thought you'd never ask."


	10. Chapter 10 Part One

_Welcome back to the story! My idea for this update ended up actually being over 6,000 words, so I decided to break that up into two chapters. Here's part one, which does include some direct quotes. Enjoy! :)_

Rose POV

I drag myself out of bed. Most of my night was spent on the bathroom floor; I have the worst fucking headache imaginable and I'm freezing. I wander into the bathroom and look into the mirror. I might feel like shit, but I look ten times worse.

Great.

I start to get ready; I don't even bother to look at my calendar, I know what today is. It's the day we leave for Victor's trial.

I should be ecstatic; everyone else is. We're finally going to see him pay for what he's done.

But what if he doesn't?

What if he gets off by some stupid technicality or some other dumb reason? The world is better off with that bastard behind bars, far, far way in some place like Tarasov, where no one can ever find him.

A girl can dream.

Someone knocks on my door, but before I can answer it he just walks in. "What if I had been naked, Sparky?" I ask as he flops himself down on my bed.

He just sits there and smirks at me. "Then I would have had to claw my eyes out, Rosie."

I roll my eyes and give him the finger. "What do you want? I'm a bit busy this morning."

"I brought you something." He holds out a bag with our cafeteria's logo on it.

Food. My stomach gets queasy just thinking about it. "Thanks, but I'm not hungry." I go over to my closet, mostly to avoid his eyes, and pull out a few oversized sweaters. I'm so cold.

"You need to eat something," I hear him say, the frustration ever present in his voice.

I sigh as I put on my favorite of the sweater choices. "We've been over this before. A lot of times. I'm not hungry, Christian. I'm not going to-" I turn around and he's right in front of me. How did I not hear him?

"When was the last time you ate something?" he questions. "Better yet, what was the last thing you ate? Tell me and I'll leave you alone."

"I…" What _was_ the last thing I ate? I don't even remember.

"I know you're not hungry, Rose." His tone is much gentler this time. "But you still need to _try_." I… he… yeah. He's… right. Christian's right. This is a first. He hands me the bag. "Eat a few crackers. There's a bottle of water in there, drink it. All of it. Do you think you can handle that, or do I need to stay here and hold your hand?"

And there's the Christian I've grown to know and hate! Okay, so I don't hate him. I just find him very, very annoying. In a brother kinda way. I stick my tongue out at him and he turns to leave. "Hey, Fireboy, thanks."

He turns towards me, a genuine grin on his face. "Anything for you, Rosie." I throw something at him and it barely misses. He laughs at me and walks out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts and food.

Food.

I sit down at my desk and open the bag he left me. True to his words there were a few packages of crackers, a banana, and a bottle of water. Okay. I can do this. I can handle a few crackers. Water? No problem. A banana? I like fruit.

I can do this.

* * *

I make my way to the academy's runway by myself. I take my time getting there. Everyone else is probably still eating or packing or doing whatever it is they do this time of morning, so it probably won't make any difference if I'm late or not. My headache has only gotten worse, I'm freezing even though I'm wearing so many layers I look like a snowman, and I'm tired. I am so, so tired.

But what can I do? This is me, this is my life. I've been given some lemons, so now I just got to make some damn lemonade.

The Guardians are waiting by the plane. I know most of them by name and I recall all of them being there the night of the rescue. The only Guardian missing from the group is a tall Russian who goes by the name of Dimitri. I start to look for him, but I see something else that catches my attention: Lissa, Christian, Eddie, and Adrian.

Adrian Ivashkov. It makes sense that he's going. I mean, his family is at Court and he is the favorite, not to mention only, great-nephew of the current monarch. He deserves a weekend of carefree drinking, smoking, and whatever else he does when he's not at the academy, especially after helping Lissa with her Spirit. He's a nice guy, but he's annoying, a really bad influence, but more importantly, he's _loud_. Loud and obsessed with me.

My headache is about to get twelve times worse.

Why can't I catch a break?

"Little Dhampir!" Adrian exclaims as he rushes towards me. I cringe at his volume. This is going to be a long flight.

"Rose, are you-" Christian starts to ask as Adrian hugs me.

I push him off me. "I'm fine," I lie. Christian doesn't believe me. "I just have a headache. I'm fine."

Lissa reaches her hand out and I carefully push it away. She looks up at me, the hurt in her eyes very clear. "You don't want me to?" she asks offended.

"No," I reply. "You know how it affects you, Liss. It isn't worth it."

"But-"

"No."

Christian mumbles something in her ear and she drops it, still unsatisfied. Adrian starts to ramble on about some party or something. "It'll be great," he promises. "There will be all kinds of people, food, and drinks! Oh, so many drinks! They serve them in these little glasses with these tiny little umbrellas and-"

"Lord Ivashkov," a slightly accented voice begins, "are you planning on getting these students drunk?"

Adrian smirks as he turns around to see Dimitri face to face. "Of course not, Guardian Belikov. Unless of course, you'd care to join us?"

"No."

"Didn't think so," Adrian whispers as he winks to me.

I roll my eyes before looking back at Dimitri. He's watching us. He's watching me.

"The plane is ready to board whenever you're ready," Dimitri continues before walking away. Everyone else grabs their bags and heads for the plane, but I go after Dimitri.

"I thought you were getting on the plane," he states slightly confused. He's so cute.

"I am," I promise, "but I wanted to see you first."

He gives me one of his grins and I melt. "And why would you want that?"

"Oh, I don't know…" I pretend to think about it really hard. "Maybe because I've missed you?" I haven't seen him all week. The last time I've seen his gorgeous face was the morning after he stayed the night.

"I know," he whispers as he grabs my hand. He then drops my hand and puts his own on my forehead. "You're freezing."

"Well, that's news to me, Comrade," I joke. "I thought I was sunbathing in Florida." He laughs, he actually laughs, before taking off his stupidly warm looking duster and drapes it over my shoulders. "I don't need your-" He glares at me, his gaze very threatening. "Thank you," I smile. This thing is so warm!

"How are you today?" I still haven't told him, but he's catching on pretty quick. I'm going to have to tell him.

"I'm-"

"Don't you dare tell me you're fine. I know when you're lying, Roza."

I sigh. I may as well tell him the truth. "I'm cold and tired and I have the worst fucking headache imaginable. I swear to God I'm going to kill Adrian on the plane." Dimitri smiles at the thought. He dislikes Adrian, mostly because he has a crush on me. "Sit by me?" I plead.

He pretends to have to even think about it. "I don't know…" I give him my best puppy dog eyes. "I guess I can do that."

I grin at him. "I'd hug you, but I'm too cold," I laugh. I start shivering, even though all my layers. It's like 50 degrees out. Why am I so fucking cold?

He looks at me worriedly. I have to tell him. "Go get on the plane, Roza. I'll find you in a minute."

I nod and head for the plane, glad to finally get some warmth. We're using the academy's smallest plane, which still has room for like 100 people. The front of the plane is for students and parents. It's basically first class seating, all comfy and luxurious; only the best for the Moroi. In our case all of us students, and of course Adrian, are sitting here. If there were more people going us Novices would probably have to ride in the back with the other Guardians. Normally I'd argue to sit with them back there, but I'm tired and the comfy chairs are just calling my name.

I sit in the window seat all the way in the back, far away from all of my friends who are sitting in the front. I just want some peace and quiet, but unfortunately I'm not allowed that privilege. Adrian sits down next to me and wraps his arm around me; his other hand is busy holding a beverage. He reeks of alcohol, even though he's been on the plane for like ten minutes. "What are you doing way back here by yourself?" he asks through slightly slurred words. "The party's up front."

I remove his hand from my body. "Adrian, please go away." Just sitting this close to him is making my head throb.

"Oh, come on Rose. You never spend any time with us." He continues to mumble about something, but I can't focus on his words. The world starts spinning. My eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my skull.

Round and round and round.

Then it stops.

"Rose?" I turn to look at who said my name, surprised to see Alberta in the place Adrian was just in.

"Alberta?" I ask.

She gives me a small smile before handing me a bottle of water and two small pills. "Those should help." I take the pills and she continues talking. "Maybe you shouldn't go. I could call Dr. Johnson and see if-"

"Thanks for caring, Alberta," I interrupt, "but if I don't go now I'll be found in contempt of the Court. I don't feel like being arrested." She nods, but frowns. "I'll be fine," I smile. "You'll see."

Her frown turns into another small smile. "Guardian Belikov's volunteered to sit up here in case you need anything. Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

There's a question lurking in her eyes, a question I immediately understand. I shake my head in answer to the unspoken question. She responds with, "You should tell him," and walks away.

Dimitri appears from nowhere with a pillow and a blanket and sits down next to me. "Ivashkov won't be bothering you for the rest of the flight," he tells me matter-of-factly.

"What did you do to him?" Do I really want to know?

He shrugs his shoulders. "I gave him an unopened bottle of vodka. He'll be preoccupied for at least a half hour."

I laugh. "My hero," I whisper.

A voice comes on the PA declaring it time for liftoff. When we're up in the air Dimitri and I take off our seatbelts, as does everyone else probably. "How's your head?" Dimitri asks gently.

"Killing me slowly," I respond. "All I want to do is sleep. Is that so wrong?"

"Sleep, Roza." He hands me the pillow and drapes the blanket over me. "I can go-"

"Don't you dare move, Comrade," I threaten as I put the pillow by his shoulder. His arm snakes around my waist, pulling me closer to him as I lay my head down. I close my eyes and sleep finally finds me.

* * *

Dimitri regrettably wakes me up before the plane lands. I sit up and put my seatbelt back on, trying to stifle my yawns. I notice that my headache is still present, but is less prevalent and much more manageable. Miracles do happen.

"Feel better?" Dimitri asks during the planes decent.

I smile at him. "Much." I lean forward and kiss his cheek. "Thanks, Comrade."

He grabs my hand under the blanket. "Any time, Roza."

We sit in silence for a few moments while the plane comes to a final halt. Alberta appears and we're off to tour Court. The grand buildings gleam and Lissa especially is overcome with their overwhelming beauty. If I wasn't so damn tired, I'd probably be the same way. After like twenty minutes we reach our destination, guest housing. Each of has our own room, much to Eddie's dismay. He tries to fight it, saying something about field experience, but for not the first and definitely not the last time, I'm glad I'm not rooming with Sparky. Alberta gives us our room numbers, tells us where to meet for dinner and when and basically sets us loose.

I can hear Lissa's voice inside my head practically begging me to join her and the guys to go sightseeing. I look straight at her and say no. She looks sad, but I can't do anything about it. There's no way I'll be able to stay awake that long to do four hours' worth of oohing and ahhing. "Have a nice nap," her voice says in my mind before they leave. The Guardians have all left, except for Dimitri. I head for my room and he falls into step with me.

Our walk is short and quiet. He opens the door for me and I immediately go to the bed and collapse onto it. He comes over and lays down beside me, pulling me into his heavenly arms.

Man I'm tired.

I don't care, though. Carpe diem.

I lean forward and kiss him. I'm not surprised when he kisses me back with the same strong force I started with. After a while we break apart to breathe and I cuddle in as close to him as possible. He strokes my back and I can feel myself starting to drift off.

"Roza, I have to go do a few things," he states. "Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

I smile at him. His worry always makes me smile. "I'll be fine. Don't worry so much."

"I'll always worry about you." He grins that special grin.

"I know." He kisses my forehead and tries to get up, but I grab him and bring him back down, kissing him firmly on the lips before letting go. "If you're leaving, you may as well kiss me properly."

"Duly noted." We laugh. "If you need me later, my room is right next door. There's even a door in here that leads to mine."

I try to raise my eyebrow and once again fail. "Getting pretty presumptuous there, Comrade?" I tease.

"Naturally," he winks towards me.

I make myself comfortable, pulling myself under the covers. "I love you."

"I love you, Roza. Now sleep. That's an order."

"Mmmhmm," I mumble as I close my eyes and fall asleep.

* * *

I get up in time for dinner, but the thought of food makes me sick. I spend all of dinner in my room's bathroom waiting for the thought of food to leave my head and the nonexistent food to leave my stomach.

After an hour or so I leave, change into the cutest and warmest thing I packed and head to my door fully intending to go have fun with my friends.

But I'm frozen in my doorway.

There's a note taped to my door.

It's addressed to me, so I reach out and grab it. I read it once and then again.

I think I'm going to be sick.

No. No, I'm fine. I just… I need Dimitri.

I go over to the connecting door between our rooms, grateful that it's there. It's unlocked, just like he said it'd be. I go into his room and find him reading one of those stupid westerns he loves.

"Roza?" He asks as I walk over to him. "What's going-" I had him the note. "This is from-"

My throat gets really dry. "Yeah."

"I need to make a call." I nod as he picks up the phone. The nauseating fear knocks into me again, sending me to his bathroom. I throw up then I just sit on the cold tiled floor.

Victor Dashkov sent me a note.

A note in which he asks about Lissa and threatens to tell the entire courtroom about Dimitri and me.

He's just playing me. He _wants_ to get us all riled up and mess with our brains. It's just one last mind game before he's put away forever.

I'm sickened by how easy it is.

Dimitri softly knocks on the door. "Rose, can I come in?" I stand up slowly and open the door for him. He gently strokes my face before asking the words I hate, "Are you okay?"

"No," I admit. There's no point in lying. "But I'll survive."

"I'm going to go see what he wants. Will you please-"

"No way in hell, Comrade," I tell him as I push my way out of the bathroom. "I'm going with you." I walk to the connecting door and go through it, grabbing a sweater and a jacket before coming back.

I glance at Dimitri and find him looking back at me with an unsure look on his face. "Are you sure, Roza?"

Does he think I can't handle myself? "The note was addressed to me. If he wants to play twisted mind games with me, then let the games begin."

He nods and sighs at the same time, knowing I won't let it go. He dons his duster and we're off to visit the man I hate most in our world, Victor Dashkov. The guards knew Dimitri somehow, I swear he knows everybody, and we just walk in. He's there in a cell doing nothing. The bastard looks good considering his disease. Lissa's powers helped him tremendously.

He looks better than I do. Health wise of course. It'd be weird any other way.

"Oh my," he exclaims as soon as he sees us. "This is a treat. Lovely Rosemarie, practically an adult now. Of course, some have been treating you that way for quite a while." He eyes Dimitri for a few seconds before turning his attention back to me. "You're looking good, considering. I take it you haven't told her yet?" I don't respond, which I guess is the wrong thing to do because it only fuels his fire. "No. If she knew she'd never let you get this bad. You look like you're about to-"

"Enough of the chitchat," I interrupt. "I got your note. What do you want?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I'm just curious to see how she's doing, and something tells me we aren't going to have a chance for any friendly chats tomorrow." He smirks at his own lame joke. It's a good thing he's behind bars and out of my reach. "All jokes aside, I really am curious about you, Rosemarie. I wanted to see for myself how you're doing. You've always been a fascinating subject. The only shadow-kissed person we know of. Well," he waves his hand at me, "just look at you. You weren't meant to blend in, were you?"

"I'm not some kind of science experiment," I somehow say calmly. I want to rip is Goddamn throat out. But the only thing that'd land me is in his cell.

"What's it been like?" He asks. "What have you noticed?"

Dimitri cuts in, clearly as done with Victor as I am. "There's no time for this. If you don't get to the point we're going to leave."

Victor just grins at us, amused with whatever his twisted mind came up with. "All things die, Rose. Well, except for you, I suppose. But not for long. They're not going to give you up a second time. You will die and you will stay dead. Then what will she do without you?" He nods to Dimitri. "What will he do?"

Dimitri comes forward, gripping the bars of the cell in his hands, and starts ranting off in Russian. If I was on the other side of the bars, I'd be very scared. Victor, on the other hand, just smirks.

I go over to Dimitri and pat him on the back. "He's baiting you, Comrade. Let it go." He looks over at me with so many different emotions on his face.

We're going to have to have the talk. I'm going to have to tell him. But not here. Anywhere but here.

He lets go of the bars and starts to walk away. "We're done here."

"Wait, wait," Victor's voice rings out. "You haven't told me about Vasilisa yet."

I stare daggers at him. "And we're not going to," I growl.

"But I need to know!"

Everything clicks in my head. "That's why you sent the note. You wanted information on her, but you had nothing to blackmail her with."

"_Blackmail_'s an ugly word."

I go over to the bars and grip them like Dimitri had. "There's no way you're going to see her- at least outside of the courtroom. She will _never_ heal you, or any other chronically ill person, again. It'll happen over my dead body! You're going to get sick again, and you're going to die. Get over it!"

He raises his eyebrow at me. "So will you," he smirks.

"And I've made my peace with that. You've made your bed and now you're going to lie in it."

He snorts, he _actually_ snorts. "We'll see about that. And anyway, who said I'm that petty? Do you really think that's what this is about? Have you forgotten about the big picture?"

I let go of the bars and look at Dimitri. If looks could kill comes to my mind. I should get him out of here before we test that theory.

When did I before the level headed one?

"A revolution," I yawn, "yada, yada, yada. It won't happen."

"It's already happening," he informs us. "I still have contacts in the world. Besides, I know all about Natasha Ozera's movement. You stand by her and vilify me, Rosemarie, but I pushed for the very same thing last fall."

"Tasha Ozera is working on her cause a bit differently than you did," notes Dimitri.

Victor retorts, "And that's why she's getting nowhere. We will never learn to fight. Non-royals will never have a voice. Dhampirs like you will continually be sent out to battle."

"It's what we dedicate our lives to," argues Dimitri. His frustration is growing. We really should be going.

"And it's what you lose your lives for. What do you think, Rose?" he asks me. "How do you feel you spent your life when you're this close to the end? Was it worth it? Was it meaningful?"

I have no doubt. "Yes," I answer.

He shakes his head. "Such a waste."

I ignore his comment and continue. "Lissa will never help you. She's not going to abuse her powers."

"And Victor's not going to say anything about us," Dimitri confirms as he grabs my hand. "He's achieved his goal. He got his information on Lissa."

Victor grins like he doesn't have a care in the fucking world. "And what makes you so certain I won't enlighten the world about your romantic indiscretions?"

"Because it won't save you from prison and it won't help you with Lissa." He steps forward, pressing on the bars again. "And it'll be pointless anyway, because you won't live long enough in prison to stage your grand plans. You aren't the only one with connections."

Sometimes I forget how frightening Dimitri can really be. It didn't seem to even faze Victor, though. "You two really are a match made in heaven. Too bad she won't live long enough for you to actually enjoy it." He laughs and I pull Dimitri back before he can do something he'll regret later. We turn and leave without another word.

Dimitri thanks his friends on the way out. Or at least that's what I think he was doing. Once again, he was speaking Russian.

I really should learn a few phrases.

We make it outdoors and I instantly start shivering. The weather here is much worse than back at the academy. Pulling my jacket around me I ask Dimitri, "Are you okay?" I'm glad for once that I'm the one asking that question instead of it being the other way around. I glance at him and am surprised to see him shaking, but unlike me, it's not from the cold.

His only reply is, "Yes."

"You sure, Comrade?"

"As sure as I can be." Riiight. I don't believe him.

We walk in silence all the way back to our rooms. Well, my room. Dimitri gives me some lame excuse and leaves, turning back the way we came.

I guess it's my turn to be worried. I sigh as I close my door. He's angry. Rightfully so, I might add. If I was in a rightful state of mind I'd be furious, too.

Wow. Our roles really have reversed.

He's Dimitri. He's a big boy. He'll be okay. I know he will be.

With that in mind I hop into bed and turn out the light.


	11. Chapter 11 Part Two

_And here is part two._

I get out of bed at some ungodly hour after another night of no sleep. Maybe if Dimitri were here it would have been different. I thought about getting up and crawling into his bed about a million times, but I didn't want to risk waking him up.

I walk to the bathroom, glancing at a clock on the way.

5:18 AM.

Ugh.

I turn the shower faucet on. Hopefully a hot shower will not only wake me up and keep me awake, but also help release the tension in my muscles. I take my clothes off and get into the shower, letting the scolding hot water work its magic. After a few minutes of just standing there under the stream I grab some shampoo and start lathering my head with the jasmine scented goodness.

It only takes a few seconds for me to break down and cry.

My hair.

My beautiful hair.

It's started.

I've known for a while. The signs have all been there. The hair on my pillow when I get up in the morning; the hair in the drain after my shower.

It's never been this bad before.

Clumps of hair are just falling out as I wash my hair and rinse it.

It's time. I can't hide this anymore. I can't deny it, either. It's time for it to go.

Looks I really am going to be showing off my marks after all.

I finish crying and get out of the shower, putting on some random clothes I pull from my bag, and finish getting ready. For the last time I brush my long, perfect hair, trying not to pull too much out in the process. I put on my jacket, throw my hair up into a hat, and I sneak out of my room careful not to wake up my Russian in the next room.

The shops at Court have really weird hours. If Moroi are awake, then all the businesses are usually open. I stop in a café and buy water, asking the guy behind the counter for directions to the salon. I find it easily enough; it's just in the front of the next building over. Not to my surprise there are quite a few Moroi women sitting around inside waiting for some kind of hair or nail treatment. They've just got to get that done before their long and busy day.

I walk up to the counter as an attractive guy walks behind it. He isn't anywhere near as attractive as Dimitri, but he's very nice to look at. "What can I do for you?" He asks me, flashing a big grin in the process.

Breathe, Rose. It's just a haircut. You can do this. "I need a haircut," I inform the man. "I was just wondering if I could get penciled in for an appointment today."

He turns to the computer on the counter and presses some keys on the keyboard. "I have an opening right now, actually, if you're interested." He smiles at me again.

"Yeah. That'll work." I smile at him, just because he's being friendly to me. I think I need a friend right about now.

"I'm Ambrose, by the way," he tells me as he leads me towards a salon chair.

I take off my jacket and put it on an extra chair. "I'm Rose." I take the stupid hat off and place it on the jacket.

"It's nice to meet you, Rose." I sit in the chair and he puts that weird cape thing on me. Breathe, lungs, just breathe. "Your hair is so beautiful," he mutters to himself. "How short do you want to go? Just a couple inches? Or…?"

"Shave it."

His eyes widen. "Excuse me…?"

I point to my head. "Shave it. All of it."

"Why?"

I can't say the words. Not even to a total stranger. I run my fingers through my hair, collecting a large clump of hair. "It's either shave it or let it all fall out."

I'm waiting for the inevitable look of pity to come crashing onto his face, but it never does. In fact, the smile on his face just gets bigger. "I will make you look fantastic."

My heart starts to race as he washes my hair in the sink. By the time he has it up in a ponytail I have to internally scream at my lungs to remind them to work. Ambrose, of course, notices this. "You're going to be fine, Rose. You'll look stunning no matter what." He even winks at me and I can't help it but laugh. "Do you want to save your hair? A lot of people who can get wigs made of their own hair. You have enough here, you should be able to get a decent wig."

"I don't need a wig." And I don't. Besides, it'd never stay on anyway. "Can it be donated to someone who does?"

He keeps smiling in his reassuring way. "Of course."

He starts distracting me with small talk so I don't even notice when he starts cutting. I let him distract me; otherwise I know I'll be a total mess. No one needs to see me like that, especially not strangers. His distractions work until he gets the electric trimmer out.

There is no going back now. It's happening.

Why am I so scared?

Ambrose hesitates. "I can-"

"Just do it." I close my eyes so I don't have to watch.

A little while later he says, "I'm done." I open my eyes.

I'm bald.

I can… I can live with that. After all, it's just hair, right? Who cares? Not me.

If I don't care, then why do I feel the need to cry?

"What do you think?" Ambrose asks as he takes the cape thing off. He looks as if he genuinely needs my approval.

I smile at him. "It looks fantastic. Thank you."

He grins back at me as he walks me out. "How much do I owe you?" I ask, grabbing my wallet in the process.

"It's on the house, Rose. That smile on your face is good enough."

"No. I want-"

"Your money is no good here. But, if you really want to do something, you can have dinner with me tonight."

"Tonight?" I try to raise my eyebrow and like always, I fail. "You want me to go to dinner with you tonight?"

"I do believe that's what I said. Yes."

I would never consider that in a million years. He's nice and all, but… no. "My plane leaves tonight."

He raises his eyebrow effortlessly. "Lunch, then?"

"Can't. I've got a thing." The look he gives me kind of reminds me of Adrian. "Victor Dashkov's trial's today."

Something clicks in his head. "You're from St. Vlad's."

"Yeah." It gets kinda awkward so I turn to leave. I put a bill on the counter and he refuses it. Why do men have to be so damn stubborn? "It's your tip. Bye, Ambrose. And thanks."

He laughs. "Bye Rose."

I put that stupid hat back on and leave.

* * *

There's something outside my door.

I pick it up, not even noticing what it is, and go inside. I open the connecting door and peek into Dimitri's room, only to find him gone. I go back into my own room and realize it's almost seven. The trial starts at eight. It's time to get ready.

But I have nothing to-

Wait.

I look at what was outside my door, shocked to find an outfit fit for a Guardian. I don't know whose it is or who left if for me, but I'm thrilled.

I'm a Guardian.

A _real_ Guardian.

This may be my only chance to wear something like this.

I stare at it, trying to fight off any emotions that pop into my head. It takes a few minutes, but finally I get rid of those thoughts.

I'll fight it. I will wear one of these again, only next time it will be _mine_. It will be tailored for _me_.

I can beat this. I _will _beat this.

I have to.

Excitement fills me again, pushing out my depressing mood. But it only lasts for so long.

I put on the clothes left for me but they're way too big. The pants won't even stay up and the shirt is more like a dress. Don't even get me started on the tent like jacket.

I guess I've lost more weight than I thought.

I take the borrowed clothing off, leaving it in a pile on the bathroom floor, and look at myself in the mirror.

This can't be me.

It looks like me, but it can't be.

I start at my face. The only difference from before is the color. I'm as pale as a Moroi. Then there's you know… my lack of hair. It doesn't look so bad. In fact, I kind of like it. It's a statement. It's a movement. It's beautiful.

But the rest of me isn't.

I move my eyes down and gasp. Once I was a goddess. A perfectly healthy looking goddess graced with the perfect curves. Now… now I'm definitely not that. My ribs are profoundly showing. There are a few random bruises here and there.

This isn't healthy.

Or beautiful.

How did I let myself get this way?

How did I not notice this?

I look at the pile of clothes in an attempt not to cry. I see a little piece of paper by the door.

Weird.

I guess whoever left the outfit left a note.

I pick it up and read it.

_Wear your hair up_.

Four words.

Four little words.

I never would have imagined that four little words could break me. I guess you do learn something new every day.

* * *

"Roza," he asks as he stands on the other side of the door, "please tell me you're in here." I don't move from the floor. "Roza?" I'm not moving. "I'm going to open this door whether you want me to or not." I don't even blink.

The door handle turns.

I can feel my heart racing.

The door swings open. He's standing there dressed in black and his duster. He looks at me and I'm waiting for the moment he runs away. I bring my knees closer to my chest absentmindedly.

He doesn't run.

I guess it's time. "I have cancer." I wait for the look of pity or the sound of a shattering heart.

Nothing happens.

He comes into the bathroom, an average look on his face and sits next to me; just like this were any other day. I put on a fake smile and hand him his note, which I still had in my hand. "I got this a little too late," I joke poorly, looking down to the floor. I know he loved my hair just as much as I did. My eyes fill with stupid tears again. Why am I always crying?

His voice is so soft I think I imagine it. "Roza." I ignore him. He shouldn't see me like this. No. He takes my hand in his and quickly says something in Russian. "Roza, look at me." His voice was soft, but demanding. It was something I had to obey. I look at him and all I see is the love in his eyes. He caresses my cheek with his hand and leans forward to kiss me. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." I start crying again, but this time wasn't due to self-pity. This time was the fault of the sweetest Russian guy I have ever met. He wipes my tears away. "Don't cry."

I somehow manage a genuine smile before kissing him. He gives me his beautiful grin and for that moment I'm okay. Nothing else really matters except his wonderful grin. I put my arm on his leg and look into his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Roza." I rest my head on his shoulder, suddenly feeling tired. I'm actually surprised that didn't happen sooner. Dimitri wraps his arms around me. "Why are you only in your underwear?" he asks.

In all honesty, I kind of forgot I wasn't wearing clothes. It's been a long day. "The clothes didn't fit me."

"What?"

I move the pile of clothes with my foot. "The Guardian friendly clothes someone left me for the trial. They didn't fit. I sort have… lost some weight."

Dimitri moves one of his arms to get a better view of my body, which won't help him since my knees are still up to my chest. "Please don't-"

"Roza, let me see."

"Promise not to make a big deal out of it."

"I'm not going to-"

I glare at him. "Promise!"

He sighs. "I promise."

I move my knees and watch his reaction. He frowns, but doesn't say anything. At least not verbally.

His eyes give him away, like always.

"I-"

I interrupt him. "I know. We'll talk about it later." He nods before standing up. "Where are you going?"

He helps me up. "I'm going to go get you some clothes." He starts to smirk. "Unless you want to go like this. I for one wouldn't mind."

I laugh a little. "But Adrian might."

Dimitri's face falls. "Clothes it is." I laugh again, a little harder, as I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He grins down at me before leaving.

He knows.

He doesn't know much, but he knows.

He knows and he stayed.

I grin at the thought as I walk back into my room. I glance at the clock. Twenty minutes. We've got twenty minutes.

Can I handle this?

I hope so.


End file.
